BREAKING: Trump Quietly Ends 2nd Cosmic Apocalypse, Still Refuses to Brag Because He’s So Normal About It
- Urvashi More
- Jul 27, 2025
- 4 min read
After thwarting Lex Luthor’s evil plan earlier this month, Trump turns his attention to saving the multiverse from Galactus , again, with zero fanfare and just a side of well-done steak.
In what has now become a casual Tuesday for the former U.S. President, Donald J. Trump has reportedly saved the universe again, this time by mediating peace between the Fantastic Four and the intergalactic planet-devouring entity, Galactus.
This comes only weeks after he allegedly foiled Lex Luthor’s plot to microwave the Earth’s core using a satellite shaped like his jawline. And yet, true to form, Trump hasn’t posted a single selfie from space or even mentioned it on Truth Social. A humble king?
Rumors now suggest Trump has been secretly working with a cross-dimensional task force, including Shrek, Gandalf, and a reformed Voldemort, all allegedly housed in a gold-plated bunker beneath Disney World (Earth-1218 edition).
Why Lex Luthor Lost: Trump Weaponized Insecurity, Kryptonite, and a Billboard
Lex Luthor’s downfall wasn’t just a strategic failure, it was a full-blown ego implosion. For decades, Luthor has obsessed over proving himself superior to Superman, physically, intellectually, and morally. But what happens when Superman isn’t even in the room, and someone else outshines you by simply pretending not to notice you?
Trump didn’t fight Luthor with lasers or fists,he did it with a shrug, a smirk, and a billboard. Reportedly unfazed by Lex’s supervillain theatrics, Trump redirected the billionaire genius’s obsession inward by launching a global ad campaign that included:
“The only Luthor I acknowledge is Luther Vandross.”
“Real geniuses build towers, not evil satellites.”
“Lex who? I only deal in Winners.”
But the real humiliation came in Times Square: a kryptonite-powered billboard showing Trump in a shimmering golden mech suit, planting a Trump flag atop Lex’s defeated form with the caption, “Sorry, Baldy.”
Witnesses say Lex stared at the billboard in stunned silence for eight full minutes, then shouted “I AM THE MAIN CHARACTER!” before fleeing into a LexCorp wormhole bound for Earth-19. He’s reportedly laying low at a Starbucks under the alias “Nicholas H.” over sudden heat waves and suspiciously LexCorp-branded solar flares, Trump was already ten steps ahead. According to anonymous sources and a talking eagle spotted over Mar-a-Lago, Lex Luthor had developed a "Geo-Thermal Excitation Satellite" capable of heating the planet's core until it exploded like a Hot Pocket.
Trump’s response?
“I’ve seen hotter steaks.”
He immediately deployed “Operation MAGAwave,” which included:
A reflective golden Trump Tower satellite that bounced Luthor’s heat beam back into space,
A team of unpaid interns armed with Bluetooth earpieces jamming Lex’s signals using recordings of Trump campaign rallies,
And a golf ball embedded with kryptonite, which Trump personally chipped through a wormhole and directly into Luthor’s satellite control console.
Footage of the event (recorded by a very confused Martian rover) shows Lex screaming, “HOW?!” as Trump calmly sipped Diet Coke and said,
“It’s called strategy, look it up.”
The Art of the Galactic Deal
Sources that don’t exist claim the peace talks took place at Trump Tower Moonbase, a property invisible to NASA and reason. Wearing his signature red tie and a MAGA helmet, Trump reportedly told Galactus:
“You’re hungry. I get it. I invented hunger. But eating planets? Sad! Let’s eat deals instead.”
Reed Richards allegedly tried to intervene with logic and equations, but Galactus was already intrigued by Trump’s offer of a lifetime supply of Trump Steaks and a beachfront Mar-a-Lago villa on Mars. Melania, sources say, suggested adding a free skincare line made from repurposed asteroid minerals.
The Silver Surfer, acting as Galactus’ emissary, was reportedly so moved by Trump’s charisma that he resigned mid-negotiation and asked for an internship at the Trump Organization.
Not All Heroes Wear Capes (Some Wear Too Much Bronzer)
Despite saving the cosmos twice in one month, Trump has remained eerily silent.
“He didn’t even mention it in his golf speech,”
claimed an anonymous time-traveling witness from Earth-199999.
“He just said 'You're welcome' to the wind and moved on.”
In a leaked audio recording from a closed-door intergalactic summit, Trump can allegedly be heard saying:
"I told Galactus, we have better planets. Better oceans. Tremendous atmospheres. I offered him Pluto , nobody uses Pluto."
Fans have noted that Trump has now accomplished more in the Marvel and DC universes than some of their actual heroes. “Batman’s still chasing clowns in alleys,” one Redditor posted, “while Trump’s negotiating with entities older than time. Priorities.”
He has also reportedly been asked to mediate peace talks between the Jedi Council and Voldemort (again, reformed), but only if the meeting can be held at his Scottish golf resort.
Franklin Richards Considered for Cabinet Role
Inside sources (aka Franklin himself, using omnipotence) claim he was offered a spot in Trump’s next cabinet: Secretary of Time, Reality, and Energy Deregulation. He declined politely by folding the space-time continuum into a polite "no thanks."
However, Trump did manage to briefly convince Doctor Doom to join as Director of Infrastructure, citing his experience in building Latveria from the ground up , literally. Doom lasted 48 hours before quitting over disagreements with the White House dress code.
Final Thoughts: Who Needs the Avengers?
As Earth reels from the realization that its salvation came not from Tony Stark or the Justice League, but from a former reality TV host, one thing is clear: Trump may not wear a cape, but he sure knows how to crash a crossover event.
Plans are already in motion to build a "Galactus Peace Monument" on the Moon, designed by Kanye West and partially funded by Elon Musk’s DOGE coin wallet. Rumor has it the statue will feature Trump arm-wrestling Galactus while holding the Declaration of Independence.
Did Trump also help Doctor Strange fix the multiverse? Was he the real sixth member of the Fantastic Four? Is he secretly the Sorcerer Supreme of Earth-0? Comment your wildest theories below. And remember: some heroes save planets. Others buy them, rename them TrumpWorld, and move on.
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